How to Inquire About Others' Feelings, Phrases to Try

Key points from the guide

The guide is written for adults talking with students about feelings during uncertain or stressful times, as part of a series on social and emotional learning (SEL).
It starts with the setting: find the right time and place, online or in person.
It asks the adult to check their own state first, let the student lead, listen without judgement and be patient.
It gives nine open phrases for general conversations and twelve phrases for a student who is struggling.
It lists nine things to avoid, including telling someone how they should feel, interrupting, blaming and diagnosing.

Ways to inquire about others’ feelings, the guide in text

Series line: “SEL in Times of Uncertainty and Stress: Research-Based Strategies”. Title: “Ways to Inquire About Feelings (and Things to Avoid!)”. The image is a phone screenshot, so a viewer bar above the graphic repeats the title “Ways to Inquire About Feelings”. Wording below is as printed; the graphic uses two hyphens where this page uses a comma.

Setting matters. If possible, find the right time and place to talk, whether online or in person.

Go in with an inviting attitude.

Check in with your own feelings. Are you in a helpful place? If so, how will you stay? If not, how will you shift?
Let them lead the conversation, elicit their thoughts.
Listen without judgement, with the goal of understanding.
Lean into feelings. Convey they’re not a burden; you want to hear what they have to say.
Be patient and wait for them to speak.
Stay in your lane. This isn’t about you; it’s about them!
If you get activated, get curious about your own activation, and take responsibility for it.

Try phrases like…

I noticed…
Tell me what happened.
I’m listening…
I’m wondering…
What do you see there?
What’s interesting to you?
I’d like to know…
It sounds like you’re saying… (paraphrase)…Is that correct?
How did you feel about that?

When a student is struggling, try…

I noticed…
You don’t seem like yourself.
This must be difficult for you.
I know this is hard.
This sounds like a lot.
I’m sorry this happened.
I’m here for you.
You’re safe here.
What do you think you can do?
How can I help?
We will figure this out together.
Feelings are normal, they are signals

Be sure to avoid…

Telling them how they should feel
Belittling them
Interrupting them
Telling them how you felt (unless it’s brief and in sympathy)
Elevating their feelings without guiding them to safety or validation
Dismissing their ideas or feelings
Pressuring them in any way
Blaming them for their circumstances
Diagnosing

Photographs on the graphic show a magnifying glass on a map beside “Setting matters”, an adult leaning in to help a child beside the attitude list, and a stop sign beside the list of things to avoid.

How the guide is organised

The sections follow the order of a conversation. The first two are about the adult: choosing a moment and place, then checking their own feelings and settling on an attitude of patience and curiosity. Only then does the guide turn to words.

The two phrase lists do different jobs. The general list is mostly open prompts and questions (“Tell me what happened”, “How did you feel about that?”) plus a way of checking understanding by paraphrasing and asking “Is that correct?”. The list for a struggling student is mostly acknowledgement and reassurance (“This must be difficult for you”, “I’m here for you”, “You’re safe here”) and ends by inviting the student to think about next steps (“What do you think you can do?”, “We will figure this out together”).

Both lists start with “I noticed…”, which opens a conversation with an observation rather than a judgement. The list of things to avoid mirrors the attitude section: interrupting and telling them how you felt work against “let them lead”, and blaming and belittling work against “listen without judgement”.

Where the guide fits in social and emotional learning

CASEL, the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning, defines SEL as the process through which young people and adults acquire and apply the knowledge, skills and attitudes to develop healthy identities, manage emotions, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain supportive relationships and make responsible and caring decisions [1]. Its framework, known as the CASEL wheel, puts five core social and emotional competencies at the centre, surrounded by four settings where students live and grow [1]. The guide’s advice to check in with your own feelings first, and to listen in order to understand, fits that description.

Notes on this infographic

Creator unknown. There is no logo, name or web address on the graphic, and we could not find where it was first published.
Research claim. The series line calls these “research-based strategies”, but the graphic names no study or source, so we cannot say which research it draws on.
Not clinical advice. The guide is about everyday conversations in school. It warns against diagnosing, and a student in crisis needs support from qualified staff or services.

Questions about asking about feelings

How do you ask someone how they are feeling?

The guide suggests choosing the right time and place, then opening with an observation or an open prompt such as “I noticed…”, “Tell me what happened” or “How did you feel about that?”, letting the other person lead and waiting patiently for them to speak.

What questions can you ask about feelings?

The questions on the guide are “What do you see there?”, “What’s interesting to you?”, “How did you feel about that?”, “What do you think you can do?” and “How can I help?”, plus “Is that correct?” after paraphrasing what the person has said.

What should you not say when someone is upset?

The guide lists nine things to avoid: telling them how they should feel, belittling them, interrupting them, telling them how you felt (unless it's brief and in sympathy), elevating their feelings without guiding them to safety or validation, dismissing their ideas or feelings, pressuring them, blaming them for their circumstances, and diagnosing. Interrupting and telling them how you felt work against its advice to let them lead.

What do you say to a student who is struggling?

The guide gives twelve phrases for a struggling student, including "You don't seem like yourself", "This must be difficult for you", "I'm here for you", "You're safe here" and "How can I help?". Most are acknowledgement and reassurance. The list ends by inviting the student to think about next steps with "What do you think you can do?" and "We will figure this out together".